What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:10
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i do to all so called friends.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did Britain steal Gibraltar from Spain?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Where can I get sure fixed matches on Instagram?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She married twice! .
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What did i know ?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She wouldn,t have been !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
But it wasn’t much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My family never makes their pension either.
I was very sick at this time too.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But, we were locked up after school.
We were not on the streets..
It was going to be , some day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Would this be the day?
This is soul school!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot live in the past .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was 9 years of age.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My life is so biszare .
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She found it foreign!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I said to her
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Especially a lifetime of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I will be 64.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So whats the point in blame.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.